Bottle Tops
by bikelock28
Summary: Ignores finale. Random one-shots about Barney and Robin's friendships with the Erikson and Mosby kids. "'Look at my little ladykiller pal,' he announces to Marshall and Lily, holding Marvin up. 'I don't kill ladies,' Marvin points out. 'You do in that suit' 'He's being silly,' Marshall tells his son gently."
1. Bottle Tops

**Ignoring finale, this is set in the happy, non-death, non-divorce world . Random one-shots about Barney and Robin's friendships with the Erikson and Mosby kids. **

**Enjoy!**

Bottle Tops

_2022_

He's noticed by now that Aunt Robin and Uncle Barney are very different when they enter the house. When they come round to visit, Uncle Barney throws each kid in the air (Marvin's ten now and big for his age, so it's getting more difficult for anybody apart from Dad to lift him up. Still, Uncle Barney does his best), ruffles their hair almost violently, and stuffs five-dollar-bills into their fists. Aunt Robin smiles, hugs them politely and immediately starts asking about school and sports and what they've been up to. Marvin's younger sisters and cousins are mad about Uncle Barney, for obvious reasons: magic, high-fives, taking them to Laser Tag, teasing their parents, encouraging them to get into mischief- but recently Marvin's been appreciating Aunt Robin more. Now he understands what her job is and how she has to travel, he likes asking her about different places she's been; what language they speak there, what the capital is, what the currency looks like. His bedroom wall is covered with movie and music posters, and some drawings he's done himself- although Marvin also has a world map pinned up in front of his desk. Every time Aunt Robin comes back from abroad she helps him find where on the map she's been to, and he sticks a pin in green pin in it (blue pins are for countries Uncle Barney and Aunt Robin have been to together; yellow pins are for places any of his own friends have visited; and red pins are for anywhere that Marvin himself has visited). She brings presents back for all of them: foreign candy, toys, dolls, soccer jerseys, the occasional book which Marvin suspects Uncle Ted persuades her to buy. Marvin's favourite thing, though, is the bottle tops.

Every metal bottle top from every Coke bottle in the world has an address on it. Did you know that? Fanta and Sprite and some brands of beer, too. It's the address of where the Coke was bottled, printed between the points of the metal bottle top. When Aunt Robin buys a Coke or a beer in a different state or country, she keeps the bottle top, and gives it to Marvin when she gets home. He likes deciphering the writing, and Googling the zip code to find out exactly where it is. Once, Marvin tried to hang the each bottle top on the pins on his map, but they fell off- so now he keeps them stacked neatly in front of it. Aunt Robin tells him that one day when he's grown up she'll take him abroad with her (to which Uncle Barney always gasps, and narrows his eyes suspiciously at Marvin) on a report.

"You can carry my luggage,"

"Is that why I have to be grown up?" he asks.

"Of course," she smiles.

"I was six foot by my thirteenth birthday," Dad reminds them.

"Awesome! Only three more years!"

"You'll have to be old enough to drink, otherwise you'll miss out on all those bottle tops,"

"Eleven more years, bro," says Uncle Barney.

"That's _ages_! That's my whole life all over again, and then another year,"

"In Europe drinking age is fifteen or something," Aunt Robin tells him.

"Wow,"

"No," says Mom.

"You forget, his first outing _was _to a bar," Robin points out.

"It was a restaurant," Mom and Dad say together.

"It was MacLaren's," Uncle Barney tells Marvin.

"You took me to MacLaren's when I was a baby?! What did Uncle Ted say?"

"I don't think he was there. It was when we lived right above the bar, and it just _happened,_ we didn't realise- no, wait, Ted must have been there because it was when Victoria came in a wedding dress. That's why we came down to the bar,"

"I don't remember Ted being there," Barney muses.

"I don't remember _you _being there," says Mom.

"I _was!_ I was most definitely there!" Uncle Barney retorts indignantly.

"Maybe you were running a play," sighs Dad, to shut him up. Unfortunately, it has the opposite effect.

"That's right, I must have been! Perhaps it was _The Laurence Of Arabia. _No, it was _The Window-Cleaner. _Or maybe-"

"Was this before or after the one when he had to talk like a dolphin?" asks Lily.

"Before," says Aunt Robin.

"After," says Dad.

"How would you know, you weren't there when Barney had to talk like a dolphin,"

"-_The Cheap Trick_? The _Romney_?"

Marvin rolls his eyes, leaves the grown-ups to bicker and heads upstairs to his room. He sits on his desk chair and lays out all of his bottle tops, and carefully rereads the addresses on each one. He looks up at the map with its scattered pins, and dreams about when he's twenty-one and he can go travelling to all the places with pins in, and some of the places where there aren't pins in; places where nobody he knows has been yet. He can get hundreds of different bottle tops and coins, and ride on hundreds of new city subways- and eat all kinds of foreign varieties of pizza!

When Aunt Robin and Uncle Barney come upstairs to say goodbye an hour later, Marvin's still leaning his elbows on the desk and gazing up at the map.

**Thank you for taking the time to read. I would be super-grateful of review- I've drafted another couple of chapters, so I'll polish them up and post them if enough people like this one. Thanks a lot, have a great day xx**


	2. Bed

**I don't see any reason not to go with the finale regarding Marshall and Lily having another girl in 2017. I've called her Anna- she's briefly referred to here and will probably get a chapter of her own soon. **

Bed

_2021_

"Can't sleep,"

"What?" Barney answers groggily, rolling over in bed.

"U'cle Bardy. Can't sleep," the little boy repeats, rubbing his eyes.

"What d'you want me to do about it, kid?" Barney asks, not bothering to lift his face up from the pillow.

Luke crosses the room, scales the duvet cover and climbs onto the bed next to him.

"No way, dude. Me and Aunt Robin are asleep,"

"Daddy lets me,"

Luke says it like that's his trump card. What four-year-old boy doesn't idolise his Dad (even ones who are convinced that their dad is the guy off The Price Is Right. _Especially_ the ones who are convinced that their dad is the guy off The Price Is Right)?

But he can tell that Luke won't leave of his own accord- or he'll just fidget all night- so Barney reckons his only option is to get up and cajole the little bastard back to sleep. He rolls out of bed, tapping his face to wake himself up properly. Then he picks Luke up onto his hip and carries him into the kitchen. Penny's asleep on a folded-out mattress on the floor in front of the TV, beside Luke's empty sleeping bag.

"Wha' time is it?" asks Luke.

"Like, three AM or something," Barney guesses (pfft, as if he'd ever wear his Rolex to bed).

"Daddy says-"

"I know what Daddy says about two AM," Barney interrupts (it's a bullshit theory anyway), "You want a drink?"

Luke shakes his head, so Barney sits him down on the kitchen counter while he pours himself a glass of water. As soon as Barney takes a sip, Luke pipes up, "Wait, yeah I do,"

Barney gives him a mock scowl. Luke giggles and Barney tickles him under the chin, then pours another glass of water and hands it to him carefully. The way that Luke takes the glass with two hands is undeniably cute.

He's small and slight for his age, like his Mom- although his features are all Ted. Barney finds it peculiar, looking at that little Ted-face. Strange than with Marshall and Lily's kids, because Marvin, Daisy and Anna don't look much like either of their parents. Whereas with Luke it's like a constant reminder that he really is Ted's kid; literally half of Luke _is _Ted.

It gives Barney an incredibly weird feeling inside.

"Cheers, bro," he says, clinking his glass against Luke's. Then he has an idea, "Hey, you want to do some counting?"

Barney is very proud that Luke's inherited his maths brain, rather than Ted and Tracy's book brains.

"How many fingers?" he asks, holding up three.

"Three," Luke answers, but Barney puts up another finger.

"No, Lukebox, it was four. Bad luck,"

"You changed it," he protests, wiping his mouth with the sleeve of his camouflage pyjamas

"Didn't. Okay, how many doors can you see in this room?"

He takes the glass off Luke while the kid looks around.

"Four. And the window door,"

"We-hey! It's called a French window, though,"

Barney lifts him up again and carries him over to the couch (making a big show of precariously stepping over Penny, which makes Luke snigger conspiratorially).

"How about..." Barney says once they're sitting down, "How many empty popcorn bowls?"

Luke glances round again.

"Five,"

"How many fingers?"

Barney puts up one, then adds another as soon as Luke guesses correctly.

"Two, Luke, two! Come on,"

"You cheated, Uncle Bardy," Luke accuses.

"I did no such thing!" he argues, outraged, "And it's _Barney._ Ney. Like this,"

He taps his own knee and then Luke's, to demonstrate, "Say it?"

"Bar-ney,"

"Yes! Well done! Knee-five!"

He holds his knee up, and Luke knocks his own knee against it, giggling (God, the kid can giggle for the United States).

"You better still be getting it right in the morning, or I'll start calling you Liam. Think you can go to sleep now?"

"Maybe,"

_"__I_ think you can,"

"Stay," says Luke, with a tad of a whine in his voice.

"What?"

"Stay here,"

"You don't need me to stay," he sighs.

"Daddy stays when I can't sleep,"

Again, Luke's tone suggests that anything Ted does is his ace card. To be honest though, Barney knows it's working because he agrees, "Fine".

Luke beams, retrieves his sleeping bag from the floor and climbs into it. Then he jumps over and onto the couch and lies down with his head propped on the couch's arm.

"Night, Luke,"

"Night, U'cle Bardy,"

Barney rolls his eyes.

Luke shuffles, mutters and fidgets for a bit, then his eyes close and he stills. Barney fishes in the breast pocket of his own pyjama shirt for the folded piece of yellow paper which Ted ripped out from a legal pad.

_Things Not To Do When The Kids Stay Over While Tracy And I Have A Weekend Away_, it reads.

_1.__Have sex._

_2.__Watch porn._

_3.__Get drunk._

_4.__Call me about anything unless it's a dire emergency. This is our first weekend together without the kids for literally years- I don't want interruptions unless it's matter of life and death. _

_5.__Swear._

_6.__Allow the kids anywhere near anything which they could possibly break/tear/eat/lose/barf on which you'll make me pay for._

_7.__Leave them alone on the balcony._

_8.__Any magic tricks involving fire or sawing someone in half._

_9.__Give them loads of sweets right before we come to collect them._

_10.__Let them watch any Jim Carrey film. Luke will say that he's not scared of him anymore, but trust me, he is._

_Have an awesome time! Good luck!_

Barney reckons that so far he and Robin have avoided most of them- and even then, Luke doesn't seem to have noticed the time when Barney's called him "little bastard".

"Wha's 'at?" the boy pipes up.

"Dude, I thought you were asleep!?" Barney sighs. God, kids are exhausting! They don't stop, do they?

"Still can't,"

"You. Are. Such. Trouble. Aren't. You?" Barney says, leaning over and tickling his sides. Luke wriggles and squeals giddily.

"What's on the paper?" he asks once his breath's come back.

"Oh, it's a list of stuff your dad gave me to do while you're here. Or not to do, actually,"

"He gave us one,"

Luke slides off the couch and crawls over to Penny's backpack. After some rummaging, he holds up another yellow piece of paper.

"Penny can read it, and Daddy read it to me," he explains.

"Can I see?" Barney requests. He's intrigued as to what Teds' warned his kids about staying a night in the Fortress.

"Read it to me again," says Luke. He hands the paper over, climbs back on the couch and snuggles up to Barney, who absently puts his arm around him while reading aloud grandly: "_Things For Penny And Luke To Do At Aunt Robin And Uncle Barney's:_

_1.__Be nice._

_2.__Play together sensibly and don't fight._

_3.__Eat slowly. Remember to chew._

_4.__Don't believe everything Aunt Robin and Uncle Barney tell you- especially about me!_

_5.__Be careful on the balcony._

_6.__Don't let Uncle Barney wind you up too much._

_7.__Sleep!_

_8.__Beware of magic tricks. Or in fact anything Uncle Barney gives you._

_9.__Make sure that you watch ALL of the Robin Sparkles videos at least four times. Try and persuade Aunt Robin to sing/ dance._

_10.__Have an awesome time!_

_I will try and persuade AR and UB to act like grown-ups, although you know how difficult that is for them. Be nice to each other and have lot of fun!_

_Love from Daddy xx,"_

Barney kisses his fingers and lightly taps Luke's face with them, then blows a kiss towards Penny. It's a sickeningly lame move, but there's no one there to watch him, and there must be a Bro Code clause which allows sappiness towards a Bro's kids. Especially if the kisses are actually from said Bro, and not from himself.

"You asleep yet, Lukebox?"

The little boy mumbles incoherently but doesn't move. Barney counts slowly to three hundred before deciding that Luke really is asleep this time. He isn't sucking him thumb either, which Tracey will be pleased about (she read that thumb-sucking was bad for tooth development or something, and spent months trying to coax her son out of it). Barney folds both pieces of paper back into his breast pocket. Luke's little Ted-nose crumples in his sleep, and his eyelashes flutter. Barney smiles and strokes his hair.

**Thanks for reading. I'm not sure this one ended up quite how I wanted it to, so please review to let me know what you thought. Thank you so much.**


	3. OMG

**I'm assuming that by this stage Ted's kids know some stuff, like Ted and Robin having dated and lived together, so there's mention of it here. Also, some other stuff which Robin mentions, which Penny will hear Ted's version of when he does get round to telling the story.**

OMG

_2029_

"Oh my God, Aunt Robin, you will never_believe_ what happened at school today,"

"Penny, can this wait until later? I'm at work, can you call me back?"

"But- major crisis!"

"Major crisis,"

"What? Oh, right, it's that dumb joke you have with Dad. Anyway, Alex said-"

"You're not going to leave this till later, are you?"

"It's _really _important!"

"Go on, then. What's up?"

"Alex said that Louise said that Richard liked me, that was like a month ago…but today I found out that Richard's dating this girl he met when we went on that school trip to Philadelphia a couple of weeks back. We were there for three days! Richard knew the girl for _three days_ and now he's dating her. Don't you think that's ridiculous?!"

"Depends. Are they sleeping together?"

"I don't think so. Well, no, because she lives in Philly. _Gah_, Aunt Robin, I'm so mad at her, I think I'm just gonna buy a plane ticket, fly over there and-"

"Make sure you lick the Liberty Bell,"

"What? Is that something dirty?"

"No. Well, unless there's something Ted and Barney aren't telling us. One time they flew to Philadelphia on a whim and licked the Liberty Bell,"

"Definitely sounds dirty. Anyway, I'm so mad at this stupid Philadelphia girl. What a btich. I mean, I was _clearly _doing all the back-off-he's-mine signals the whole time we were there,"

_"__Clearly_ you weren't doing them very well,"

"Or this girl's just a greedy ho who can't see when someone_clearly _has claim on a boy,"

"Yeah, or that. I'll teach you some real back-off-he's-mine signals for next time. In the meantime, I give what's-his-name and Philly girl a month at best. Long distance relationships doesn't last when you're fourteen,"

"You think?"

"If you want the truth, Penny- _no_ kind of relationship lasts when you're fourteen,"

"Thanks for the optimism,"

"You're welcome. You're more like your Dad than you think you are,"

_"__What?!"_

"Nothing. I didn't say that,"

"You better not have done; my Dad's a total dork,"

"You think you need to tell me that? I dated him for a year and lived with him for three,"

"Yeah, I can't believe you lived with your ex. That's so weird,"

"You go to school with your exes,"

"Yeah, but that's unavoidable. I _have _to sit next to Niall in Maths and Ethan in French. I can't leave school 'cos I broke up with them,"

"You have a point. Are we done now? I seriously am at work,"

"Oh, right. Sorry,"

"This what's-his-name and what's-her-name-from-the-school-trip will blow over in a month, trust me. Probably before then,"

"I hope so. Thanks Aunt Robin. I'll see you in a couple'a weeks,"

"Sure. Say hi to Mom and Dad from me. And honestly, Penny, it'll all be-"

Click.

**Thank you for reading. Please review, all feedback is really helpful!**


	4. Soccer

Soccer

_2025_

"I am never talking to you again,"

"Aww, come on,"

"Do you have any idea how embarrassing you are?"

"She fouled you, Daisy, and the referee didn't call her out on it,"

"Yeah, and I didn't need you to go storming over and ranting at him,"

"You did,"

She stops abruptly and turns to face him. Marshall glances over to Daisy and Barney, and can't help but note how Lilyish Daisy's expression is. She's inherited her mother's angry-at-Barney glare.

"No. I didn't," she says witheringly, and marches away from him over to the car to where Marshall's stuffing her soccer kit-bag into the trunk.

Her little sister would whine, 'Dad-_dyyy_' at him, but Daisy simply opens the door, climbs into the passenger seat, clicks her seatbelt in and folds her arms.

Marshall gives Barney an amused glance, and gets into the driving seat.

Barney sighs, and opens the back left door of the car.

"Good game, Daisy," says Marshall cheerfully.

"We lost three-two,"

"But you played well- oh, who am I kidding, yeah, you lost. Bad luck,"

Daisy sighs unhappily and gazes out of the car window.

"Daddy," she whispers a little later, "Promise me you'll never let Uncle Barney come to one of my soccer games ever again,"

"I can hear you," Barney butts in. They ignore him.

"He wanted to come. He's proud of you,"

"If I wanted someone to embarrassing tantrums on the pitch-side, I'd bring Anna,"

"That tackle was unfair, Day. She should have got yellow carded," Marshall points out.

"But she didn't, and we got on with the game. We didn't need Uncle Jackass to start World War Three,"

"Sitting_literally _right here," Barney reminds them.

"_I_ might have called the ref out, to be honest," Marshall admits, "It was an obvious foul,"

"I would have killed you," Daisy sulks, "Almost as much as I'm going to kill Barney,"

"What's worse, then: an embarrassing Dad or an embarrassing Uncle?" Marshall tries to pacify.

Daisy considers. "An hour ago I would have said Dad, but now I think I'll go with Uncle. God, everyone will be asking at school on Monday why I have some creepy, angry-"

"-Awesome-"

"- Interfering, unhelpful moron coming to watch my soccer matches,"

"Daisy, I can guarantee that your Uncle Barney has embarrassed me more than he's embarrassed you today," declares Marshall.

"Not possible,"

"Barney used to have this feud with a guy who worked on the building opposite his office. He got me involved in this stupid-"

"-Awesome-"

"-Okay, it was kind of awesome," Marshall concedes, "-prank war,"

"Yeah," jumps in Barney excitedly, "I'd get that dude's coffee and then I'd-"

"Yeah, I know what you did," cuts in Marshall, shuddering, "But that scheme got pretty embarrassing,"

"Speak for yourself- you're not the one who got his motivational poster eaten by white mice,"

"Oh my God, I forgot about the mice!" says Marshall.

"The mice was my best idea…also my dumbest idea," Barney admits.

"You're as bad as each other," says Daisy, again in a Lilyish tone.

"Barney was worse," Marshall says.

"Actually, yeah. Barney's way worse," agrees Daisy.

"Daisy! Day!" he calls from the back seat, "Wanna see a magic trick?"

"No,"

"It's a good one,"

"No,"

"It's a new one,"

"No,"

"It won't set you on fire,"

"No! I'm not going anywhere near your magic after last time,"

"That was an accident! Tell her, Marshall,"

"Barney, you_did_ set her hair on fire,"

"By mistake!"

"Sorry, buddy," sighs Marshall.

Barney sighs dramatically, flops back into his seat, balloons one of his cheeks and begins flicking it with his finger to make a hollow pop noise.

Daisy looks at Marshall wearily.

"He's the biggest kid of us all," she says.

**Thank you for reading. Please review to let me know what you thought- especially if you've favourited- you know who you are, and I know who you are ;- )**

**Thank you so much.**


	5. Tip

**The kids aren't in this one a great deal, but there's Robin/Mother friendship which I always thought would be really interesting. **

_"__You mean the whiney, bottomless pit of neediness?__He was bugging me so I spiked his Echinacea tea with codeine,"_

_"__You're gonna be a great mom!"_

-2.11, _How Lily Stole Christmas._

Tip

_January 2024_

There's a bad flu going round this Winter, which Luke and Penny have both caught badly. Luke's often ill because of his allergies, but with Penny down as well and Ted on a project in DC for the weekend- and with 4,000 words to write for Monday herself, Tracy's losing the will to live.

_Yeah, Barney's sick too, _Robin tells her as they're texting while Luke and Penny laze on the couch, coughing, squirming and half-heartedly bickering.

_God, sick Barney must be a nightmare, _replies Tracy.

_He can look after himself. He just gets annoying, _Robin tells her, _so I spiked his tea. _

_What?! _Barney and Robin always amuse her with the competitiveness, jokes and, it seems, the fact that they drug each other.

_With codeine. I've been doing it for years- ask Ted._

_And that works? _

_Exhibit A: _replies Robin, sending a photo of Barney sprawled in their bed asleep. He's mostly covered by the duvet, with one arm hanging out over the side of the bed. _Live from Manhattan!_

_You two are weird._

_Sometimes I don't even do it when he's sick. Sometimes I just do it when he's irritating me, _Robin admits.

_You drug your husband because he annoys you?! _replies Tracy, then adds, _that is awesome!_

_You gonna try it on Ted? _

_No. That _would _be unfair. Definitely the kids though._

_Glad to spread some Scherbatsky awesomeness to the suburbs._

_Don't know if I'd call it awesomeness or manipulation. Or poisoning. Then again, I suppose I have used poison before. _

Fourteen years and that murderer line is still funny, Tracy smiles to herself. She really should thank Cindy for the joke.

"Do you two want some herbal tea?" she asks the kids, never having been more grateful that she and Ted got them drinking tea this young.

"Yeah," croaks Penny. Luke nods.

Tracy goes into the kitchen and puts the kettle on, then pops upstairs to the medicine cabinet to find the codeine.

Twenty minutes later, Luke and Penny are curled up together, empty mugs set down on the floor in front of the couch as they snooze. Their breathing is quiet and almost in-sync, and if Tracy didn't know what squabbling, sniffing moaners they'd been all weekend, the scene might look cute.

Satisfied, she sinks into the chair opposite them and snaps a photo. She texts it to Robin and adds, _Thanks!_

**Thank you for reading. I'd love to know what you think of this one, so please review! Have an awesome weekend. **


	6. Instruction

Instruction

_2033_

Penny's phone rings one evening after dinner.

"Uncle Barney?" she says, picking up.

"Hey, Penny,"

"Hi. What d'you want?"

"To see how the coolest Mosby is getting on. Duh,"

"Um, I'm fine thank-"

"Alright- ya got me," he barks, "I'm calling cos Robin told me that you're going out clubbing on Friday, and I want you to know what you're getting yourself in for,"

"Oh my God! She _told _you! Everyone says that Aunt Lily can't keep a secret, but Aunt Robin is so much worse!"

"I won't grass you up to Ted. I only want to warn you that-"

"That there's plenty of guys in New York who are exactly like you were before you married Aunt Robin," she finishes for him.

"Well, yeah," he concedes, "And because that that was me twenty years ago I'm the best person to tell you about the insane lies guys tell in clubs just to get you in bed,"

"What, like that they're from the future? Or that they're working for the Secret NASA?"

"It was the Secret NYPD!" he argues, "Ted told that story _all wrong_! Snyped totally worked!"

"Look, I'm eighteen. I'm going out to have a fun time, not get hit on. Anyway, your scams may have worked in like 2010- but it's 2033 now. The world, and pick-up artistry, have moved on,"

He splutters back, outraged.

"Sorry, bro," Penny sighs lazily, "You left the game twenty years ago. I don't think your help's valuable,"

_"__WHAT?!"_

"Face it, Uncle Barney- you're old," she smirks, enjoying his horror.

"That's- how dare y- I can't- how ca- possibly- I mean even- after- you can't-seriously- are you ki-since whe-" he chokes, "Robin! Robin, finish this call! I can't possibly-"

Penny hears some more spluttering for a couple of moments, and then Aunt Robin's voice says,

"Hello?"

"Aunt Robin you are such a snitch," accuses Penny, "I can't believe you told him about me going out on Friday. That was between _us_!"

"I didn't snitch! I wasn't snitching to him, it just came up in conversation. Anyway, nobody snitches _to _Barney, do they? They snitch on him,"

"Who else have you told? _Mom?" _panics Penny, "You know what Mom's like about going out to anywhere which isn't some lame music club,"

"I only told Barney, I swear. And just humour him, okay? He still thinks he knows how to be Player King, and he can put that to good use by helping you out,"

This line of argument clearly does not make any sense. "He got married _twenty years ago,_".

"Since when has Barney Stinson ever had any grasp on logic?" Aunt Robin points out. It's a loophole argument, but nevertheless, Penny has to admit, a strong one.

"Well-" Penny begins to argue.

"He's only looking out for you, in his own weird way. And it's better than having a lecture from your dad, right?"

"Yeah. Definitely,"

"Just humour Barney, okay?" say Aunt Robin again, "I know most of what he says won't be relevant, but when is it ever?"

"Fine,"

"That's my girl. Hey, Bar-"

There's a snatching noise, and then Uncle Barney's voice comes back, "Rule Number One: _No shots. _Rule Number Two: No Jäger-anythings. That includes meisters, bombs and bulls. Ruler Number Three: No matter how hard you rub it, his penis will not grant wishes. Rule Number Four: If he's a different race to the president, chances are he isn't his son. Rule Number Five: The ring is probably candy. Rule Number Si-"

"Ah, so when you said you want to give me some advice for Friday night, what you meant was you want to recite _The Playbook_ to me. I don't know how you remember all that stuff,"

"It was my life's work for fifteen years. You think Shakespeare forgot _his _plays after he stopped writing?"

"You know that it's a different kind of play, right?"

"A magician never forgets his greatest trick,"

"Or like fifty tricks in your case,"

"One hundred and thirteen," he deadpans.

"Well, I'm not dumb enough to fall for any crap like that,"

"How do you _know _that, though? I bet that's what all the girls who I made fall for this would have said the same- and then they _did _buy it,"

"What's your point?" Penny sighs.

"That Rule Number Six is that Enormous Penis Syndrome is not- I repeat, _not_- a real thing,"

"_Really?!" _Penny gasps in faux-shock.

"Yeah," he confirms, not grasping her mockery, "And I've checked; only four people have ever won two Nobel Prizes. And they're all dead. So don't believe anyone who tells you he's Frederick Sanger,"

"Noted,"

"Are you writing this down?"

"No. I can remember,"

"What about after a couple of beers? Get a biro and start taking notes,"

She puts the phone down for two seconds, stamps her feet lightly picks the phone back up then says, "Yup, got one,"

"Let me hear you writing,"

"What the hell?"

"I want to make sure you're taking this down. Put the phone near your pen and let me hear you write,"

_"__Ugh,"_

Defeated, Penny gets up to retrieve a biro from the kitchen table and finds the back of the instructions for using the new TV remote. She scrawls on the instructions, putting the phone nearby.

"Happy?" she demands.

"Hmm, alright. Now, Rule Number Seven: If he says he's the ghost of Leonardo DiCaprio…"

By the time Barney lets her go, Penny's notes cover all the instruction booklet, plus 2 receipts and the back of a magazine.

She never tells him that his advice actually comes in useful.


	7. Natural History Repeats Itself Again

**This chapter is big on pathos, but I thought it was an interesting idea.**

Natural History Repeats Itself Again

_2025_

Last year, Mommy banned Uncle Barney from buying Luke and Penny birthday presents. She said that the house was cluttered enough, and Uncle Barney's presents- Storm Trooper, full size table-soccer table, rocking horse, giant dollhouse, dartboard- were taking up too much room. So instead, Uncle Barney's birthday present is to take Luke or Penny out for the day on their own; they get to choose where. The first year this system's in place, Penny wants to visit Yankee Stadium, so Uncle Barney takes her to a game. Luke wants to spend his birthday just playing in Central Park. The next year, Penny wants see _The Lion King _in the theatre. And when Luke's birthday comes around, he wants to visit the Natural History Museum.

"I'm surprised Daddy hasn't taken you there already," Barney notes.

"He did, but I never got to see the dinosaurs because he was showing me the echo hall,"

"Right, so you want me to take you to see the dinosaurs. I love dinosaurs,"

"So do I!" Luke squeals joyously, "Did you know that a diplodocus had over a hundred bones in its neck?

"Really?"

"Hmm-mm. It's the longest dinosaur ever. I'll show you my model!"

Luke scampers upstairs to search through his dinosaur collection.

"I swear he knows everything about damn dinosaurs," says Ted, "We don't hear the end of it,"

He tries to sound exasperated but his pride is unmissable.

* * *

The nearest Saturday to Luke's birthday, Barney takes the train up to Westchester, picks up Luke from Ted and Tracy's house, and together they go back to Manhattan. Luke's brought four of his favourite dinosaur models with him, to see if he can find their skeletons at the museum. They only find two (Utahraptor and Pterodactyl), but Luke doesn't mind because they see the biggest dinosaur footprint ever found in the whole wide world, and a _real_ T-Rex skeleton.

"I wish I could ride a dinosaur," says Luke, "That'd be the coolest thing ever,"

Barney catches his eye. Uncle and nephew give each other a look…

When Barney tells the story to everybody later, Luke climbs to the top of the T-Rex skeleton. Barney sits on its back and the skeleton comes to life and they ride around the museum, and it is legendary (he has fun scaring Marshall with this story).

What actually happens is this:

Luke ducks under the barrier and makes it two steps towards the skeleton before the security guard notices.

"Excuse me, stay behind the line, please," he orders. Luke swallows and takes another step forward, pretending he hasn't heard. Because riding a dinosaur would be awesome, and the guard wouldn't scare Uncle Barney.

"Hey, get back. You're not allowed to touch the exhibits," says the guard more firmly, blocking Luke's way. Luke looks up, "Back behind the line please, little man," He puts a hand on Luke's shoulder to lead him away from the T-Rex skeleton.

Once Luke's back behind the barrier (embarrassed, he buries his face in Barney's side) the guard tells Barney, "Can you keep an eye on your son, please?"

Can you keep an eye on your son, please. Can you keep an eye on your son. Your son.

Your son.

If the guard had said anything else, Barney would retort or try to sneak Luke in round the other side, but instead he just mutters, "Sorry," gives the guard a distracted smile.

Because once, he got into serious trouble here for ruining an exhibit, when was with a man he was told was his uncle but was actually his dad. And once, he got in trouble for touching the exhibits, and his world crumbled because he _found out_ that the man he thought was his uncle was actually his dad. And how, he's in trouble here with his nephew, but who the guard and the people around them must assume is his son. The opposite of that day with Jerry all those years ago. Barney feels peculiar and breathless- but then he remembers that Luke is _actually_ here, still half-hiding behind him in embarrassment.

"Aw, shukseydoodles," Barney says, sounding false-cheery to both himself and Luke, "What an old fart that dude was, not letting us have any fun!"

"That was scary," gasps Luke, reappearing, "I thought he'd tell me off,"

"That's a not a telling off. One time, I was here and-" but then Barney realises both his stories about getting into trouble at the Natural History Museum are to do with dads and sons and uncles, and he doesn't want to tell Luke about it at all- "Never mind. You gave it a go, and you were very brave,"

This cheers Luke up a bit, "Yeah, I thought you'd be impressed if I kept going the first time he told me not to,"

_Great. _Barney could almost laugh, because these parallels keep getting better and better, don't they? A little boy trying to impress his cool Uncle.

"You don't need to impress me. You impress me enough already,"

This embarrassingly Teddish statement sounds somewhat contradictory, but he hopes that Luke understands. However, Barney hardly ever says anything sincere like that to the kids and it feels awkward, so he hurriedly kneels down and brightly tells Luke, "Jump on my back,"

Sensing that there's something weird going on which they're trying to look past, Luke obediently jumps on and Barney stands up again, carrying him piggy-back.

"I like being this high. This is what it must be like to be Uncle Marshall," the boy notes, hooking his arms around Barney's neck. Barney laughs, but he can't help but now recognise how many people walking past them must think he's Luke's dad. He's with his nephew who people might believe is his son, when once he was here with his father who _he _believed was his uncle.

Barney wants to be alone right now. He knows that he isn't going to cry, but reckons that perhaps he might like to. He feels cold, but he also feels like the little boy standing in the office, not knowing that Jerry was signing in ink that he was Barney's father.

"Are we going anywhere, Uncle Barney?" asks Luke timidly. He isn't sure _how_ he can tell that something's up, but it definitely is. Uncle Barney seems sad, and like he's not paying attention to Luke being there. Luke's chest feels a bit tight and he nervously bites his lip.

"Sorry, dude," says Barney abruptly. He shakes his head, trying to dislodge these uncomfortable, melancholy thoughts. He'll make up a story, Barney decides, a story where he and Luke rode the T-Rex around the museum and it was legendary, and he never thought about these twisted parallels which make him feel wrong inside.

Carrying on his back the boy who isn't his son and never will be, Barney says, "Come on, kid. Let's go get an ice-cream,"

**Thank you for reading, I'd be really interested to know what you thought of this chapter, so please review. **


	8. The Mundane And The Ridiculous

**This chapter is dedicated to everyone who has had exams recently. I hope they went well! **

The Mundane And The Ridiculous

_2028_

"So would you say that weddings in Israel are more religion-orientated than weddings in the States?"

"Erm probably,"

Anna pauses, pen in hand. "I think I'll say that, then,"

"Is that everything? You've got two pages of notes now,"

"Yeah, that's enough for my assignment. Thanks so much, Aunt Robin,"

"S'alright. You'll have to fact-check a couple of things though. I was only in Israel for two weeks, and it was four years ago now, so some of that info might be totally inaccurate,"

"I know, I'll check. I'll ask Marvin for all the flag and currency and land mass stuff; he's really good at that,"

"Doesn't he have exams soon?"

"Yeah," Anna shrugs, "But he'll help me, he's always got time for me. Not like Daisy,"

"Are you two fighting again?" Robin rolls her eyes.

"She's so patronising. She's always moaning at me. She says that Mom and Dad have a double standard for me because I'm the youngest, and that's a total lie; Daisy makes her own enemies,"

"Sisters are meant for annoying each other; that's literally their job description. I _always_ used to patronise my little sister, so don't take Daisy seriously,"

"Easy for you to say- isn't your sister in Canada?"

"Yup. That's the other great thing about sisters- when you grow up you can move _far_ away from them and only call them twice a year,"

"I wish I could do that with Daisy,"

"Does she get on with Marvin as well as you do?"

"Yeah, but Hitler would get on with Marvin,"

"He's just like your dad in that way. Marvin is, I mean, not Hitler,"

"Marv's taller than Dad now, actually. Mom thinks he'll grow to six foot six, I think he'll grow to six foot eight and a half,"

"Jeez, you three are giants,"

"Mom says she feels like she's permanently at Stonehenge. Cos we keep growing though, I get all Daisy's old clothes, and that's annoying because they're so scruffy. She only wears soccer jerseys! I much prefer Penny's hand-me-downs, and actually me and my friend Cara found this cool super-cheap boutique in Brooklyn where we buy clothes fro- oh, here's Daisy,"

The fourteen-year-old blonde appears in the doorway clutching a stack of paper and four biros.

"Hi, Aunt Robin,"

"Hi, Daisy. How's' revision going?"

"Ugh," sighs Daisy wearily.

"See what I mean about the soccer jerseys?" Anna stage-whispers to Robin.

"Don't use that tone," Daisy snarls, "Stop trying to sound grown-up,"

She gives Robin a _huh-kids-eh? _look and tramps back upstairs.

"This is what I have to deal with," says Anna dramatically. Frankly, Robin doesn't blame Daisy for finding her annoying; Anna's neediness and haughtiness become grating after a while. She's inherited Lily's tendency for thinking she knows all about everybody else- except Lily _does _mostly know everything about everybody else, whereas Anna only assumes. Then again, Robin reflects, perhaps as a big sister herself, she just has a natural annoyance towards younger sisters. Or maybe she's still getting used to Anna's world of ballet and Sylvanian families- she's very much a girly girl, unlike tomboyish Daisy and bewilderingly brash Penny.

"Anyway, thanks for helping me with my Israel project. You wanna stay here until Mom and Dad get home? They shouldn't be long,"

"If I'm not getting in anyone's way,"

Ironically, at that moment Marvin thunders downstairs, ducking under the doorframe into the kitchen.

"Hello," he greets cheerfully.

"Hi. Anna tells me you're working hard,"

"Non-stop," he replies sounding proud, smug and exhausted, "Today I've marked out all the use of colour, and sound, and references to vehicles in _The Great Gatsby. _Anna, have you offered Aunt Robin a cup of tea?"

"Uh… nope,"

"And this girl got her Hostess badge at Brownies," he scoffs, giving Robin the same _huh-kids-eh? _look as Daisy, but matily ruffling Anna's hair as he goes over to flick the kettle on.

"How's work going? You off on an assignment any time soon?"

"I might be going to Budapest in a few months for this environment conference that's going on there," Robin tells them.

"Where's Budapest?" pipes up Anna.

"It's the capital of Hungary," answers Marvin.

"I swear environment conferences happen _all the time,"_

"They do," confirms Robin.

"Does anyone ever decide anything at them?"

"God, no. It's just politicians sitting round a table with lots of bits of paper and statistics. Stuff hardly ever gets decided on and if it does nobody acts on it,"

"That's how politics works," Marvin adds sagely.

"So why do you go?"

Robin shrugs, "To stand outside famous buildings and report on what may or may not be happening inside. But it's a lot of work because we have to get there early, and do loads of research because if we catch somebody for an interview we have to know exactly who they are so we can ask the right questions. But there's also a lot of waiting around with nothing to do,"

"That won't be fun in Budapest," says Marvin, "It can get as low as twenty-eight in those parts of Europe,"

"How do you even know stuff like that?" asks a voice, and Daisy re-appears.

"Because I'm studying Geography at high school, dumbass," retorts Marvin, flashing her a grin.

"You lot were causing such a racket I couldn't concentrate," says Daisy.

"We were only _talking_," Anna points out, "You don't need complete silence in the house to revise,"

"It would be nice if we got it, though," Marvin jokes, picking Anna up from behind and clamping his hand over her mouth. Anna lets out a muffled squeal and kicks her heels against her brother's knees until he lets her go, then lunges for him. Anna's more agile and Marvin goes easy on her, so soon she's leapt on his back and is trying to drag him to the floor by his shoulders. Daisy joins in then, rugby-tackling Marvin around the knees which makes him groan through his laughter. He wobbles and Anna falls off his back, allowing Daisy the chance to knock her over as well, but this gives Marvin room to take hold of Daisy's legs and hoist her upside down.

"Tickle her, Anna!" he yells in triumph, and Anna does so readily. Only when Daisy's red-faced, gasping and begging for mercy does Marvin tip her upright and set her down on the floor again. Daisy takes a second to get her breath back, then grabs Anna around the waist for a revenge attack, while Robin provides commentary, "And it's Erikson tackling Erikson- but then it's Erikson twisting back Erikson's leg- and now Erikson's on the floor- one, two, three, four- and Erikson is back up again, looking for a revenge scuffle with Erikson- but Erikson's too fast, teaming up with Erikson to bring Erikson down…"

When Marshall and Lily return home, Marvin is lying on the kitchen floor, giggling and spluttering while his sisters sit on his back tickling each other. Marshall looks at Robin in question, but she just shrugs back.


	9. Numbers

**I'm assuming that Marshall and Lily's third kid is older than Luke, so Tracy probably wasn't pregnant with him by this stage, which is why her second pregnancy and Luke aren't mentioned.**

**Also, I think that Aly's daughters are cutest kids in the world XD**

Numbers

_Autumn/ Winter 2016_

For his fortieth birthday, Robin treats him to a long weekend in London. It rains constantly the four days they're there, but with him being a New Yorker, and her being a New Yorker via Vancouver, the weather causes little concern. They visit Saville Row and the Magic Circle, and Barney returns laden with a new range of magic tricks which he proudly shoes off to the gang on the first night back in MacLaren's (when everybody's present, the gang numbers nine and a half including the Erikson foetus, which the boys have nicknamed Hurricane). Ted admits to loving the card tricks, and Marvin is mesmerised by how Barney can make objects disappear and reappear. Barney promises to give them a full magic show at the Erikson's new place soon. Unfortunately, the only thing that Daisy takes from the evening is the word 'Forty' which she's associated irretrievably with Barney.

For the next few months, whenever she sees him she pipes up, "Forty! Forty!"

"_Shhh._ Shhh, Daisy. We said we're not going to mention that, didn't we?" he reminds her, "If anybody asks, I'm thirty-four. Got it?"

She giggles. "Forty,".

Predictably, Marshall and Lily are no help, and make no effort to correct their daughter. In fact, everybody apart from Barney finds it hilarious.

"You were always going on about how you're older than me," says Ted the next weekend while they're taking Penny out for a forage in the woods, "Well, now that's coming back to bite you,"

"I just don't want people _knowing_, okay? Least of all complete strangers knowing because a two-year-old thinks that Forty is my name,"

"Hey, is that a grey hair?" asks Ted teasingly, and Barney jumps like a firework's been stuck up with leg.

The Mosbys are in hysterics.

"Is it really that bad?" asks Tracy at last, "Being forty's like being an actual adult,"

"Exactly!" Barney snaps, "Anyway, you can only say that because your husband's like ten years older than you. You're a dog, Ted,"

"It could be worse," Tracy interrupts.

"How?"

"For a start, you could be fifty,"

"Ergh, don't," he shudders, "Fifty is only cool if you're still in the game- I'm married; I don't need to play the Clooney card,"

_"__I_ know how it could be worse," says Ted smugly.

"Whatever it is, I don't want to know," sighs Barney.

"It could be Swarley," says Ted gleefully.

"Oh my God," he cringes.

"What's Swarley?" Tracy asks, knowing that it's going to be something embarrassing for Barney- which is always funny.

"It's not even a-" he begins, but Ted cuts him off.

"I must have told you this story!"

"You tell a lot of stories," Tracy deadpans, "Which one is this again?"

"Once we went to a coffee shop to see if it was better than hanging out in bar," he explains, "It wasn't, but the day wasn't wasted at all because the waitress wrote 'Swarley' on Barney's coffee cup!"

He cracks into laughter again. Tracy remembers the story, and joins in the laughter, mostly to annoy Barney.

"And he absolutely hates it!" gasps Ted.

It takes another hour before Barney can shut them up.

* * *

_"__You_ don't think it's funny, do you?" he asks Robin desperately the next day.

"Well…" she answers vaguely (knowing that it is, in fact, hilarious).

"Why didn't she pick up 'Magic', or 'Legendary' or 'Hand-stitched-tailoring'? Why does it have to be Forty?"

"Relax. She's two. She'll find something else to obsess about soon," she reassures.

And that gives him an awesome idea.

"A-ha!" Barney cries abruptly, "Got it! That kid is gonna forget everything about how old I am, and remember everything about how awesome I am! You wanna know how?"

"Really, I-"

"Glad you asked! I'm gonna go full-on Stinson gimmick-ry with them. Suits, Laser Tag, magic, awesoming all over the place- it's all gonna hit those Erikson spawn like Billy Zabka hit that New Jersey rat! Starting tonight!"

Barney wrestles himself into his suit coat, grabs his wallet and keys, yells, "Gotta go, I need to have a word with Guy!" and runs out of the door.

* * *

That evening he performs, as promised, his full Magic Circle show for Marvin and Daisy. On Tuesday night he takes them out to Laser Tag, and by Wednesday the suits he had ordered for them have arrived. Marshall wrangles both kids into their news suits, and Barney could burst with pride at how suave Marvin looks (even if the kid does keep trying to pull the tie off).

"Look at my little ladykiller pal," he announces to Marshall and Lily, holding Marvin up.

"I don't kill ladies," Marvin points out.

"Ya do in that suit!"

"He's being silly," Marshall tells his son gently.

"See, Daisy? My name's Barney_…_or That-Guy-Who-Buys-You-Clothes-Which-Aren't-Really-Meant-For-Girls-But-You-Totally-Rock-That-Look-Anyway-So-It-Doesn't- Matter,"

Barney puts Marvin down and gets on his knees in front of Daisy, "Can you say that, honey?"

She yawns, gives him a blank look, and dribbles.

"Let's try again shall we?" he continues, unperturbed, "Baaar-ney,"

Blank look.

"Suits. Soooooots…Lil, I think your baby's broken,"

"She's tired. You've been burning us all out the last few days," Marshall yawns, flopping onto the couch beside Daisy.

"In case you didn't notice, we're still unpacking," Lily points out.

Barney sighs, "Alright. I'll stop for tonight. But at the weekend, I'm back and I'm bringing...tigers,"

"Tiger!" gasps Marvin.

"Yeah!" Barney beams, getting into the idea, "And a lion and a bear and a viper and a gorilla. And a puppy, cos puppies are cute,"

"Real ones?" clarifies Marvin.

"Duh, real ones," says Barney, as Lily grimaces and shakes her head _no _at her son.

"Come on, let's get you two to bed," says Marshall hurriedly, picking Daisy up, "Barney, you wanna help?"

Barney doesn't need to be asked twice, and instantly jumps up to chase Marvin into his bedroom. He pretends to be a tiger and eat him, and then helps Marvin get into his Spiderman pyjamas and hang up his new suit properly.

"You can name it if you like,"

"You don't give clothes names, Uncle Barney,"

"Why don't you? This suit I'm wearing is called Fitzgerald,"

Marvin thinks for a while. "Tom,"

"Nice. You have to wear Tom every time you see me, got it? And every time you're at a party, cos the chicks'll love you,"

"Chicks?"

"Okay, I think that's enough," comes Marshall's voice as he appears in Marvin's room, "Say goodnight to Uncle Barney, Marvin,"

"G'night, Uncle Barney,"

Marvin hugs him, and Barney whispers in his ear, "Every single party, got it?" then heads next-door to say goodnight to Daisy. Marshall and Lily planned to get her a proper bed once they moved into their new house, but they haven't got round to it yet so Daisy's still in her baby cot. She's nearly asleep and has that open-mouthed look all snoozing toddlers seem to have. Barney leans on the rail and watches her.

"Hey, you. Tomorrow I'm expecting you to start calling me by my name, and tell anybody who asks that I'm thirty-four. Thirty-five if you must. Yeah? Yeah, good girl. I'll buy you a pony if you do. All kids want ponies, right? I _still_ want a pony. Well, maybe a racehorse. Hey, what if I actually bought a racehorse, Daisy? Not to keep in the apartment, but to sponsor or something like that. That'd be so cool. It'd be the best horse, obviously; it'd win me tonnes of money. I'd tell you that I'd name if after you, but you know that I won't. Perhaps I'll name it after me. Or Hef. Or Jon Bon Jovi. You think that's a good idea, Daisy?"

Addressing her directly, Barney snaps out of his reverie and remembers that he's speaking to a sleeping toddler- but talking to someone who hears but doesn't listen or understand feels surprisingly comforting. So he sits down on the floor beside the cot and begins to tell Daisy about his work ("We had this one assignment with crack dealers in Brooklyn. It was awesome,") and his blog ("Bit less traffic this month, but that's how things go, right?")and his next big idea ("BrOlympic Games!")- and then to be honest he starts rambling ("… surely it makes more sense for the Giants to play in red at home…"). It's relieving and therapeutic. In fact, chatting to a sleeping two-year-old is so relaxing that Barney reckons he must have drifted off at some point, because suddenly it's midnight and his butt's numb from sitting on the floor. Daisy's facing away from him and breathing heavily, and Marshall and Lily have probably gone to bed by now too. They're always tired these days, he reflects, what with two small children and another one on the way and work and the new house. Perhaps being so tired so constantly means Marshall and Lily are older than he is, despite what the birthday cards say. He hopes Daisy stops calling him Forty one day, but Barney decides that he'll be alright for a while if she doesn't.

He puts on his jacket and leaves the house quietly, into the night.


End file.
